I Am Not A Role

When I was a little girl, every person who entered my life was filtered through a role, a designation. When I walked into a room, I knew who I was expected to bow down to, who to hug, who to be formally polite to, who to fight with. The roles were clean, clear, crystallised. And to me, outright baffling.

Two decades later, when I moved in with my partner’s family - I could still not wrap my head around roles. “You can just call me by my name! I’m only 3 years older, that’s practically nothing!!” I half-teased, half-plead my new brother when he called me by the formal address for “older sister-in-law”. The roles that were supposed to provide guidelines for my actions and interactions instead skittled me into an internal tug of war. There was a huge gaping chasm in between the duties expected of my new roles, and the reality of who I was. I couldn’t tell, for the life of me, what actions, words, responses fit in where. How much involvement or honesty was too little, or too much? The role of a sister- or daughter-in-law is quite a respectful one - but the respect seemed to be directed towards the post, regardless of who I am. The tug of war lasted for quite a few months - until I got sick and tired of it.

Scientific discoveries are often preceded by pressing problems. And so are personal revelations.

To me, succumbing to the family roles rule book had always appeared to be a cheap substitution for getting to know real people and forming deep, conscious relationships. Being a “mother” is confining, it’s difficult to learn, to experiment, to make mistakes when one is expected to be the perfect role model for young, impressionable souls. “In-law”, by definition, adds a wall - the predicament of being an outsider constantly looming and glooming and dooming over the head.

The whole structure sounds utterly ridiculous. So I wondered why have accepted it for centuries and millennia? The answer, of course, was survival.

Blood binds

‘Blood binds’ is the principle that assured our survival through the test of times. Predefined roles rooted and stabilised our societies. When we know what to predict and how to act, we know our freedoms and boundaries. Anchored in a web of social stability and support, we could be creative, scientific, explorational. Instead of bashing our delicate (thank you, Mother Nature) skulls against each other for survival and dominance, we could divert our attention to inventing clocks and sails, penicillin and space rockets, punk rock and.. well, nuclear missiles.

The system functioned for millennia, but it was never perfect. (As the existence of nuclear missiles clearly reflects). Our interactions were rooted in the stereotyped ideals of the “role” we were playing. A sense of honor and duty was attached to helping our neighbors, sacrificing for our family, following leaders without questioning, and treating our priests with reverence.

But respect or disgust existed not for an individual - but for the post. It’s not the individual who is my grandmother - her life, her wisdom, her unique, personal experiences, her dedication and love to the family that I was to respect - it was the role she held and tried to live. The real person occupying that role was often forgotten.

The result? We created a duality - a contradiction.

We created imaginary ideals which we measured real people against. It was near impossible for individuals to live up to the imaginary perfection. In this society-driven prison, we struggled to play our assigned roles the best we can, we struggled to break out of the roles and rules, we struggled to defeat our limitations, to be free, and yet to be validated from the same society. And so it went for millennia upon millennia.

Until now.

The one thing that is consistent throughout history is human beings pushing past their limits and boundaries.

Pushing Our Limits

The one thing that is consistent throughout history is human beings pushing past their limits and boundaries. And this time, we had an allay - technology.

Technology swooped in like a phoenix, charging ahead of our cultural norms, challenging, arguing, changing the dynamic of entire human cultures. Empowered by a brand new sense of safety, peace agreements, financial abundance, comfort - humanity was ripe and ready for transformations. Suddenly, rules based on distance, age, gender, ethnicity, religion became questionable. We don’t have to depend on muscle power anymore, which rendered gender roles irrelevant. We do not depend on our elders to teach us that the world is round, sharks are marine predators, sugar is bad for health, or that ours is the one and only God.

In the absence of need, everything becomes a “choice”.

With the world lifting in harmony globally, we do not NEED our families the way we used to. For the first time in human history, we are capable of “choosing” our relationships, choosing our family, choosing to love, respect, serve and sacrifice for people who are not related to us by blood or even belong to the same society, culture, gender, race or ethnicity.

Within families, the boundaries of relationships and roles are blurring. Women don’t only look after the house, men are not expected to be the sole bread earners in a family, marriages are not simply agreements within families, children aren’t expected to bear with abusive parents for their entire lives, the gender we are born with is not one that we are stuck with forever. As the choices sprout forth, the rules of the game are crumbling into a flux.

Born in this flux, most of my “family” is not related to me by blood. And all who are related to me by blood are not my family. I have found peace in that arrangement. Realizing the liberty to choose who I want in my life, I strive to flood it with people who I resonate with. Within my family, I have the liberty to simply be myself, openly in acceptance of who I am. If I am accepted, I rejoice. If not - well, their opinion is entirely their business, it’s not my place to judge or try to change it. I will simply - as Lisa Nicoles is so fond of saying - “love them from a distance”.

What of Family?

Does that mean I completely give up on family values? Quite contrary. When we stop investing so much time and energy expecting people to act by their designated roles, we finally dig deeper and see people for who they are, raw and plain, without the pressure of external rules. When we strip away every expectation, every judgment, every rule, we see the real human being behind a role and connect to them, their very soul, their life energy - regardless of how (or whether) we are related to them. When we choose our family consciously and deliberately, our relationships are stronger, deeper, purer. It’s a connection, a soul-to-soul bond, not merely the dictation of a flimsy social structure.

Likewise, if we choose to not invest our time in a person or relationship, that is acceptable too. It’s okay to move away from abuse, it’s okay to speak up if the oldest member of your family is wrong. Remembering that they are just people, trying their best to make their way through a very confusing, forever changing, chaotic world helps us understand, forgive and stand up for what is just and true, not what is acceptable.

For me, I want to live my life in truth, unbound by social ties. Whatever little time I have on this planet, and I intend to spend all of it being me. One moment I am a mischievous sister, second I’m a crazy rebel, next I’m a meditator encased in stillness, and then a blissful lover. I don’t have to internalize any role - I have the freedom to be whoever I want in the moment. The flux, the dynamic rhythm of that dance without chains, is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.

Having said that, I understand that this is not everyone’s calling. Some of us LIKE being defined by a role, and if this is our absolute truth and makes us ecstatic from the core, it is perfect. Sometimes, we have to play a role - children only learn discipline and morality by watching their parents. But we still need to remember that every moment, we are choosing to be embedded in the role. The form is not all that we are, we are CHOOSING - consciously and willingly to flow into it for a while. And that makes all the difference in the world.

Real Freedom

I spent most of my life pushing against rules and roles. I despised them and the box they wanted to trap me in. But eventually, I realized my angst was not against the roles, but it was a plea for people to see me. “I am more than this role, can’t you see?” I would snap in anger. “Please? See me! The real me.” I plead in my heart. I burnt a lot of bridges in the attempt to get freedom from these definitions, but no matter how hard I pushed, I never felt free. Till I realized a simple truth.

Real freedom is not about annihilating outside boundaries. Instead, it comes from a deep understanding and acceptance of truth and conscious choices.

Real freedom comes from a deep understanding and acceptance of truth and conscious choices.

We can forsake our family, branding them as negative, toxic, controlling - and yet remain trapped within our own limitations and beliefs - or we can turn our family into a vehicle of igniting compassion, understanding and total acceptance within ourselves. Real freedom means being honest about who you are. It means dropping boundaries on who you can and can’t love. It means annihilating limitations about your place in the world. It means living with givingness instead of gettingness. It means permitting yourself to rise to your highest standards, bright and radiant and courageous. It means being whatever you need to be in the moment, while staying connected to your truth, your inner self.

Choices are Everything

Now that we have a choice about where to invest our time, effort, energy, emotions - and yet, the most important choice we get to make is who we are within ourselves. Unless that is sorted, it doesn’t matter what we do outside, what boundaries we break, what amendments we plead - we will always be prisoners.

With the abundance of social choices available to us today, the world is shifting. We can either try to turn the blind eye to the change, we can resist it - or we can lead it, creating a better, more accepting, compassionate, loving world. the wave is going to hit us either way. Whether we let it rain chaos and mayhem, or we turn it into something beautiful, compassionate, purifying - is completely up to us. And with this as a possibility, we owe it to ourselves to not settle for anything lesser.